Derby Depression?

I think I’m depressed…derby depressed. I have just been feeling weird lately, not my usual self. I haven’t been feeling my best, not THE best, just my own personal best. I had a blast at Besterns, I mean Western Regional’s. Seeing everyone was awesome, and watching amazing derby was awesome. But then I got depressed and pissed. I felt like I should have been there. The Bombshells should have been there. I was watching skaters thinking “I am just a good as them” and watching some of the teams thinking that the Bombshells are just as good, we should be here.

I really pushed myself last week at practice, Tuesday we really focused on one specific thing, and I finally got it. I figured out where to put my feet, and I pushed myself passed my comfort zone, cussing the entire time at myself. When we were scrimmaging on Thursday, I tried stuff and I flailed, and I probably looked like a kook out there. But, who cares, isn’t that what practice is for? I ended up at the Warehouse on Friday night, working on the same things we worked on Tuesday night, and it’s not as uncomfortable. Sunday night we had the shit kicked out of us, and I realized that I have NO endurance.

I also learned it’s hard for me to leave my comfort zone. I have to be the best, or it’s not fun for me. When I see people that can do something I can’t do, I get really bummed and pissed off at myself, and then I decide I am going to learn how to do it better. And it has nothing to do with anyone in particular, it’s just me, and how competitive I am. I guess that is good, it makes me work harder. Sometimes I wish I just had all the time in the world, I would just skate and travel. I am really working on becoming independently wealthy, but it’s just not that easy.

I am already thinking about next year. There are some Hellcats that are gonna surpass me if I don’t work hard this off season. Meaning, I still gotta skate 3-4 days a week and I really have to hit up the gym, I have gained some weight in the last few months, and I think that is where a majority of my depression is sitting.
Going to San Diego this weekend, some of us Bombshells are teaming up with some Bay Area skaters to play the San Diego Derby Dolls on the banked track. I am super excited. I always have fun when I skate on the banked track and I think it can be viewed live on http://derbydolls.com/webcast/. I do love a good road trip too.

We also have our last bout of the season on Oct 23rd. It’s a double header, against the Silicon Valley Roller Girls. I am having mixed feelings about this game. There is a lot riding on this bout. Both leagues want to win, we both just got WFTDA this year, and even though it isn’t a Sanctioned Game, there is still a sense of pride on the line. We’ve only beat them once in our first season, and they’ve beat us every other time. I think most of it is mental. They are our closest rivals, and sometimes I get the feeling that they are a little more serious and intense about the rivalry then we are. Which is fine, competition is a good thing; it just sometimes sucks the fun out of the bout for me. I am definitely serious on the track, but derby girls are my family, and derby is fun, and I wanna laugh and hang out and have fun. I mean, of course I want to win, and winning is fun, I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that we have played them WAY TOO MUCH this year.

Anyways, I just am sad that this season is almost over, right when we were getting our groove, but I can’t wait for a little time off, to come back twice as strong and twice as determined.